Blog from the Future: It’s a Damn Shame They Cancelled the Kia Stinger

Photo: Kia

Ah what a glorious day it is on Earth II. I was just flipping around Bezo-net, looking at videos of Joe Rogan’s floating head talking about how life was better when the country was full of “real men” back in mid-2022. It got me thinking about other things that were better in 2022, like enthusiast cars. That sent me down the rabbit hole of the poor Kia Stinger.

(Editor’s note: This blog appeared in the Jalopnik Tips email, fully written, dated August 11, 2041. We don’t know how it got there, but it’s right, and we’re running it exactly as pitched save for one paragraph at the end about “dire warnings” about “heatwave-induced famines” and “global thermonuclear war.” That part seemed irrelevant, honestly.)

Ya know, back then I could have bought the car. I had the money, but like so many other enthusiasts who said they wanted a car like the Kia Stinger, I put my money where my mouth hole is.

I always talked about how if a reliable company ever built a fast and comfortable sports sedan at a good price, I’d be first in line.

Now I’m sitting here, the air outside is on [REDACTED], and I’m thinking about how we all missed our chances with the Stinger. Maybe we would have bought one if it was a little bit different and Kia hadn’t cancelled it so quickly.

You see, the Stinger was nearly the perfect do-everything enthusiast vehicle, save for a few things.

I’m not just some guy with bad opinions on the internet.

These are things that would have absolutely pushed me over the edge into buying the Stinger, I promise.

$10,000 cheaperCame with a manualMore powerNot a KIANo touch screens – all cars should only have buttons and knobs. Technology is dumbMore premium interior materialsWasn’t so bigHad a bigger interiorWas brownWas actually a wagon, not a liftback

I swear to Jesus Christ (who is real and came back in 2035 to let everyone know he fixed the 2000 presidential election as a “prank”) I would have bought the Stinger back then if all those things were different.

I don’t know why Kia decided to cancel the Stinger and never to deal with the premium sports-enthusiast sedan segment ever again. Us car folks are so easy to please and understanding of cars not being exactly what we want. On top of that we literally always buy the cars we say we would be if the company made them.

It’s a damn shame. Look out next month for my story on Tesla’s new “exploding vehicle” widget in the car’s toy chest.